Mistakes
by CursedLyfe
Summary: Brass reflects on his life. Spoilers for whole series.


Title: Mistakes

Synopsis: Brass has made a lot of mistakes in his life. He takes some time to reflect.

Disclaimer: Don't own so don't sue

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Detective Jim Brass sat in his office after a hectic day fighting crime. Everything that week had gone by so slowly that it became a blur. Tensions were high and his emotions were stretched. He sat back and reflected. One thought led to another and suddenly he saw flashbacks of his life.

He couldn't take it anymore.

His life had been nothing but failures and hardships.

First was Nancy. They weren't really in love but stuck in infatuation. They were both young as well. Two scared young adults who really didn't know what the real world could be like. So he married her. Against his parents wishes of course. Right from the start they didn't like her. After the wedding, he didn't hear much from his parents. No anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, nothing. Not that he really cared anyway because his life was his own problem. To him it didn't really matter if he parents disapproved or not. It was the era of rebelling teenagers. Nobody wanted to listen anymore. It was do or die. He was ok with those standards.

In the beginning, everything was great. They were both happy and they cared deeply for one another. After a year or so, things started to get rough. His job was demanding and she hated the hours. There were so many nights where she'd be home alone while he'd be out in stakeouts. After a while, she just stopped caring. Too many nights was there a cold space next to her in the bed. She wanted attention. Something that was almost impossible for him to give with his profession. One day, she just stopped. While he was at work, she took the opportunity to see other men. She felt that she could get what she wanted with another man. Another man who had the time and energy to keep a woman. All the she was out with someone else, he was clueless. Clueless to think that his marriage was breaking up. He didn't even realize something was going on. Even though he loved her, she never returned the affection. One day, it just clicked for him. He had suspicions that she was cheating but he never acted or confronted her about it. Even though he knew it in his heart, he never accepted it. He wasted years of his life sharing it with someone who didn't care. Someone who threw his heart away. His shattered heart. It hurt him to even look at her. She had betrayed him and he had no idea for the longest time. One day she got pregnant. He though it was his baby. It wasn't though. The child belonged to another man but he didn't know it at the time. It made him angry once he found out. Every time he looked at the child, it was just another painful reminder of his failures.

Second was Ellie. He knew he screwed up. The missed dinners, breakfasts, concerts, teacher conferences, take your daughter to work days, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, and every other day in between. As much as he hated to admit it, Ellie wasn't even his child by blood. He'd found out a month after Ellie was born that Nancy was sleeping around with dirty cops, like Mike O'Toole. Dirty cops that he fought to lock away. Dirty cops that betrayed the force. It made him so angry so know that Nancy was hindering his mission as a cop. She didn't understand. The meaning of having the shield on his jacket. When he found out she was pregnant, O'Toole was already in jail. The only thing he could do was to offer to help take care of the child and support her. It wasn't just his conscience telling him to do it, the thought of a child abandoned by him was unacceptable. He didn't have it in him to just leave. He couldn't take it though, just looking at Ellie. He knew she'd never be his. Never. As the years went by, he stayed away. Not entirely on purpose though. He still worked as a police officer so he also had to stay the long and strange hours. As Ellie grew up, she found out why her 'father' couldn't stand to look at her. Nancy told her that he wasn't her father. She began to hate him. Hate him for not being there. Hate him for casting her aside. Hate for him not being hers. He had lost her.

Later in his Las Vegas career, she showed up twice. The first time, he handled the situation terribly. Ellie was the prime suspect of a homicide. He was taken off the case but he couldn't control his emotions. It ended up in him confronting her about the case and she pulled away. She said that even if she didn't commit the murder, he still wouldn't care. It hurt. It stabbed him in the heart just to say those hateful things. In his eyes, she'd always be his little girl, biological or not. She ways always a special child that was as smart as a whip.

Third was his job. It he hadn't been so stupid to be in league with Mike O'Toole and his merry little band of dirty cops, he might have not had to go to Vegas in search of a fresh start. He let himself be suckered into transporting drugs and doing things that the force fought to stop. No cop wanted anything to do with him. It was pathetic because he was once one of Jersey's finest. Even rookies came to him for advice on their training and it made him feel good. It got so bad that he had to transfer out. Hence, he was in Vegas.

Fourth was the choice to send Holly Gribbs out into the field when she wasn't ready. Strike one. It was because of him that she died while under his belt. His fault. That one mistake and incident almost had his badge in the toilet. He was even lucky to have been transferred back to homicide. He lost his position as head supervisor of the CSI and was cast back. Demoted. Everything he had worked hard to accomplish in Vegas was put at risk after they found Holly. It was all too late. To think about it, he had been an ass that day. All because he disagreed with Warrick. About a stupid toenail stuck in a shoe. What the hell was his problem? He pushed Warrick too far, far enough to have Warrick go behind his back just to get a warrant. Strike two. He knew it was stupid. He should have listened, but instead he yelled at Warrick and took him off the case. He knew he could get under his skin. The decision that immediately sealed Holly's fate: having Warrick watch over her. He should have known that the headstrong CSI wouldn't follow his direct orders. He should have known. Strike three.

Fifth was the shooting of a fellow officer. Officer Bell. He, Sofia, and Bell were on pursuit of a suspect. They were in a local dinner when Sofia saw a familiar car and identified it as the suspect's. After calling for back-up, a car chase ensued. The chase went on for some time until the suspect stopped in an empty construction zone and hid behind some piles of dirt. All the officers stayed together and each tried shooting the suspect. For him, everything happened so fast. One minute he saw the suspect and was shooting and the next was Officer Bell falling to the ground with a bullet wound in his neck. Of course, the brass did an investigation and it turned out that Bell was killed from friendly fire. Sofia was the suspected shooter but the CSIs took everyone's statement. It was the crime lab that determined that Brass was the shooter after comparing bullet striations.

Apart from his life being miserable, he was emotionally damaged. The cases started getting to him more and more. Nothing seemed to be right anymore. When it came to choosing between the victim and justice, the choice got harder and harder as the years went by.

He realized he was crying. Looking around to see if anyone was watching, he hastily rubbed his eyes with his sleeve. He made a vow. A vow for Ellie, to make things better. His life was passing him by. He didn't want to be kept in the dark any longer.

Getting up out of his chair, he walked slowly to the door and shut off the light. Tomorrow would better another day.

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I've finally done it! I was watching the season finale and it all clicked in my head! So how is it? Please send reviews and feedback. This is great! I've finally managed to bring my muse back! And all thanks to the season finale! Thank god they didn't kill him off!


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